My 15-year-old son Daniel and I were parked at a metal fabricator’s business. Daniel was working on his Eagle Scout project, which involved new ADA compliant ramps for the restrooms at the local county fairgrounds. Railings were needed, and Daniel was here to explain his project and ask for a bid for the materials and labor. I didn’t plan this, but when it was time to go into this business, I said to Daniel that I would wait in the vehicle. He was surprised and panicked slightly. I suggested we practice. Daniel gave me his pitch, while I played the role of the businessman. After I encouraged him, into the business he went. Daniel communicated his request clearly, and they offered to donate the railings. The next week when Daniel needed to pay a visit to the city engineer’s office regarding his project, I guess I was feeling generous that day. I asked if he wanted me to go in with him. “No, Mom, I’ll be fine.”
A mother’s natural instinct is to nurture, encourage, and help her children. But sometimes we fall into the trap of helping too much. We’ve all heard of helicopter parents who hover over their children, keeping an eye on every moment of every situation the child finds herself in. But helping too much can look like snowplow parenting. I’ve heard this term from my sister when she describes parents who remove every single obstacle out of their child’s way. The motivation on the surface looks like love and caring. But if our children do not face challenges and problems, they will never build the muscles of problem solving, creativity, and resilience. Difficulties build endurance and strength.
As a homeschooling mother, I found the balance between nurturing my children as their mother and challenging them as their primary teacher delicate to navigate sometimes. I had high expectations regarding their academic work because I knew that whatever they chose to do after high school graduation, they would face difficult challenges. They needed to build their strength at home where it was safe to fail, and they had their parents’ help to learn and try again. This is where the nurturing and encouragement kicked in. I think what helped me the most was keeping the long-range picture in mind. Today might be rough, but keeping my children’s future in mind helped me to step back and resist helping too much. As they matured, they let me know if I over-stepped, trying to help too much. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, not being needed is actually a good feeling. It means that your children are maturing, dealing with challenges, and building resilience.
I leave you with a photo of the Colorado River at the Navajo Bridge near Page in northern Arizona.